Are You Tuned In?

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Looking at the news, we seem to be facing one crisis after another(!) Interestingly, there is one particular ‘crisis’ that seems to be getting lost amongst all the others, – and in my humble opinion solving it could be a long-term key to solving some of the others – we’re actually facing a parenting crisis, a crisis of increasingly insecure, overwhelmed, and angst-ridden parents, resulting in more and more anxious children who lack the resilience to thrive. 

The problem? Noise. Noise from online forums, podcasts, social media, well-meaning friends and family, and expert books (86,000 parenting books at last count – admittedly I am responsible for a few of them). Never before have parents been inundated with so much (often contradictory) advice, information and judgment. It leaves them lacking in clarity, confidence and ultimately, connection with their children. 

The worst part? This noise prevents parents from tuning into the most powerful parenting tool to exist. It’s been in the making since birth – a bespoke, invaluable source of guidance that connects deeply to personal values and equips parents to deal with any given situation, and when needing advice, to know which advice to take.

You may know it as intuition, or ‘intuitive wisdom’.

Tuning into our intuitive wisdom and paying attention to that inner ‘voice’, and what feels right, is not something that is encouraged by our society or indeed deemed compatible with our need for evidence-based information. Combine this with other factors (such as the loss of the ‘village’ – i.e. less and less of us have extended family support nearby), and we lose confidence in our own innate ‘knowing’, relying instead on Google and other external sources, which only increase our anxiety and lack of self-confidence. It can be a wicked cycle, but also one that can be interrupted. 

Having coached and counselled parents for decades, I am happy to report that it is not only possible but really quite simple to activate and strengthen the capacity to ‘tune in’ to our intuitive abilities -both as parents and in life generally. It is an ability we all have but that we invariably have not been raised to use, so we all need to ‘relearn’ it. When we do, and we apply it and so learn to trust our intuition, it positively impacts our self-confidence, our children and their mental health, and our relationship with them, as well as being a huge stress-reducer for us! Witnessing the positive impact this can have on parents and their children (and their relationships) over the years, I have become so passionate about it  I have now created an online course ‘Tuned-In Parenting’ to make the simple steps accessible to all. It’s especially designed for busy parents, so if that’s you, do take a look.

But regardless of whether you explore my course or go on googling or reading what no doubt are valuable books, there are some practical steps you can take right now to help you tune into your intuitive parenting strengths, starting with tuning into (and removing) what gets in the way! Most frequently, what gets in the way is not only (you may have guessed) stress, but the ‘low grade’ kind that we often aren’t even aware of! 

Try one or all of these:

  • Identify times during the day when you are ‘en-route’ between activities: For example, in the car at traffic lights, on public transport, on an escalator, walking to a meeting, etc. At that moment, take your attention into your body and ask yourself how you’re feeling? If you find any tension, exhale and consciously let it go. 
  • Consciously tune in to yourself every morning, as soon as you wake up. Take a few slow, deep breaths and recall the love and appreciation you have for your child – allowing yourself to feel it,in your chest and body. 
  • Throughout your day, reconnect with that morning appreciation feeling. It will help you connect to yourself and your centre.
  • Screens are insidious interrupters of intuition and connection with your child. Eliminate screens and devices from times when you’re interacting –at mealtimes especially, but also when you’re playing or reading to her, when picking him up from child-care or school, etc. Give her your full presence and attention, eye to eye.
  • When you need to make a parenting choice or decision, check in with yourself: what are you feeling? Imagine one choice: does it feel right? Do you have any tension in your body? Imagine the other choice: how does that feel? In your body? Listen to your internal voice and to your body. The more you do this and then act on your insight, the more often you’ll see evidence that your intuition was right and the more confident you will become in it.

Through close to three decades of working with parents and children around the world, as well as through my own parenting experience, I have found unequivocally that the more you as a parent learn to listen to and apply your own intuition to your parenting, the better it is for your child, for you and for your relationship – even into their adulthood! You can read more about my course at Tuned-In Parent.com

A special offer for Calmer Clinics parents: 20% off the course price, with the code EARLYPARENT at checkout. (expires on March 31st 2023)

(Visit my website at www.AppliedEmotionalMastery.com)

‘Fear of Missing out’ By Jennifer Day

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‘Fear of Missing Out’
Are We Hardwired or Do We Have a Choice?

We are hard-wired for connection. Recent findings show that when we feel social pain –a snub, a rejection or an unkind word – our emotional experience is as real as physical pain. Unfortunately, in our so-called Western culture we tend to venerate independence, often rejecting the notion of connecting with and relying on one another for emotional well-being – the very connection we are wired to need. But the findings are irrefutable: we are wired to be social beings, and that means interdependence.

What we mean by ‘wired’ is that there is a network of neurons in the brain that facilitates our connection with each other. It is biological. This neural network was discovered by psychiatrist and neurologist Constantin von Economo in 1926 as part of his research into neuroanatomy. He discovered two unusually long neurons in the prefrontal cortex (front of the brain), and that these neurons extend all the way into the gut. There they inform our instinctive social responses, such as when we automatically respond to cues like a smile of recognition or a familiar voice, a scowl of displeasure or a cry of pain.

This neural network also drives out need for social connection and acknowledgment, which brings me to the all too prevalent FOMO (fear of missing out). Although there are many theories as to why our current-day internet use – particularly social media –appears to be so addictive, this neural network we all have, suggests that it’s not theinternet per se that is addictive, but the compulsion to connect, to avoid feeling alone, excluded, or out of the loop. The resulting anxiety that appears to becoming a problem we cannot ignore, is driven by this primal drive to connect and essentially have our existence recognised by others. Social media is feeding this instinct with instantaneous reward (or not) that keeps us checking in with increasing frequency such that we never get to fully recover before we feel the need to check again. This is the addictive cycle that, although originally stemming from a perfectly natural neural wiring, becomes imbalanced, perpetuating anxiety and stress – sadly much of which is the result of imagined rejection.

Combatting this by giving more priority to actual human connection will go some way to restoring the balance. All ‘in person’ contact with other human beings triggers biochemical responses, at every level of our bodies and brains. Electrically and chemically. Both the heart and the brain picks up signals as well as transmitting them. Within 12 feet of another person, our bodies start to pick up emotional energy from another person, layered by our own beliefs, memories, judgments and narratives we imagine, based on how we ourselves are feeling. In less than a millisecond we determine whether we feel defensive towards the person or trust the person, and whether he or she may add value to the interaction or conversation we are about to embark upon.

This ‘real-life’ way is how we are designed to connect and to develop relationships and (hopefully) healthy interdependences. Fully present, focused interaction, appreciating and savouring our connection with the other person, releases endorphins which counteract the addictive quick-fix reward-dopamine cycle, creating more balance and quality of relationship. Our capacity to ‘tune in’ to others, in person, also helps us to empathise and generate compassion and other balancing and self-regulating emotions that make us more fully present with those very connections we yearn for. The result is a healthier, happier and actually considerably more connected life.

A few practical tips:

Check the ‘Social’ in Screen-Time: 99% of the time, the reason for checking social media frequently is that, deep down, you just want to connect. Remind yourself of this each time you reach for your device; the connections you make there are largely superficial. Pause and ask yourself whether it will bring you closer to or further away from real-life connections?

Hacking real-life connection: Can your next use of social media be to foster your real- life relationships (i.e. arranging to meet for a coffee, or organise a gathering?) Try to avoid passively scanning feeds or engaging in social comparisons. Instead, explore how you can use technology more to deepen real-life connections: to spread happiness, gratitude, compassion, and the well-being that comes from in-person communication.

Check-in with Yourself: Throughout your day, at regular intervals, (for example whenever you reach for your phone) take your attention into your body and ask yourself what you feel. Identify the emotion, and the associated tension or felt sense. Let yourbody ‘tell you’.

Let it Be: Allow yourself to identify a feeling-word or an image to describe your body’ssensation. Accept it, and breathe into it. And only then, let it go – exhale and allow the tension to drop away. Then ask yourself if the emotion is telling you something you need to act on or maybe it’s not working for you? Do you need to change the way youfeel (rather than escaping from it into technology)?

Choose it or ‘Lose it’: Use technology to help you choose how you feel rather than allowing tech to control you. Sign up for apps that help you get centred and activate that inner smile: Headspace is a good one to start with, as are the HeartMath apps, and Happify. Better still, use a journal and pen and write to process your emotions and thoughts.

The Real 5-2 Fast; a list of tips such as these cannot exist without the suggestion to take a technology fast. There is so much evidence now to show that regularly disconnecting from tech is good for your health and happiness that I will not elaborate much. Suffice it to say studies show it can improve your concentration, reduce stress and anxiety, and increase your overall well-being and mental health. Try giving yourself limits such as no devices by the table or in the bedroom. Better yet, turn them all off at the weekend, so you get 2 social-media-free days for every 5 you use! I promise you, it will make a significant improvement to your well-being and the well-being of all your connections and relationships.

Whatever Happened to Parent Intuition?

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Parents today are inundated with copious amounts of professional parenting information, advice, theories and perspectives. Much of it is state of the art and comes in the form of thick research-based parenting text books, many of which, unfortunately, also often contradict each other. The consequences amongst busy, over-worked and regularly overextended parents is self-conscious, manual and google-driven, fretful to-the-point-of-beingcontrived parenting. Their children experience the parents’ overanxious, preoccupied concern, and themselves end up developing anxiety and an insecure sense of self.

Parenting intuition, both as a concept and an innate ability, has for the past few decades been undermined if not usurped by the thousands of parenting books and so-called parenting experts flooding the market. But raising a child ‘by the book’ or according to the directives of a shedload of ‘experts’ (including me!) is like trying to live a healthy life by following diet trends; fat, dairy, wheat, and coffee have all intermittently been good and then bad and then good for us, (and then of course it depends on whether we are gluten or lactose intolerant). The intention may be good, but ultimately making any significant choices in our lives by following fads can have inadvertent and unhappy consequences.

Loving, caring parents who are sincerely committed to doing the best for their children are self-consciously, and often anxiously, trying to follow advice that is not only regularly contradictory but frequently also encourages them to be alert for symptoms of a pathology or disorder. Don’t get me wrong, diagnostics has helped countless children and families handle difficult challenges and traumas. However, increasing numbers of psychologists and mental health professionals are, like me, becoming concerned about the over-diagnosis of too many children, and the ease and speed with which medication is prescribed. For the last two decades working with children, parents and teachers, I have become more and more convinced that, for the average child, seeking a diagnosis is not the answer. Nor is turning to or blaming schools, or necessarily even ‘experts’ (or the 85,000 plus parenting books published to date). The everspeeding roller-coaster ride we are on of excessive cognitive analysis and hyper advice-giving is not working – instead it is leading to analysis paralysis: we are losing touch with our innate human needs and abilities, our need to connect with each other in person and our ability to ‘tune-in’ – to each other and most importantly to ourselves and our own intuition. In my view this applies as much if not more to parents and children than any other group.

Over the years, I have seen repeatedly that meeting this need to connect and tune-in requires, not more advice but less; it requires simplification and letting go of the overemphasis on expert advice, labelling and analysis; by both parents and professionals. For parents, perhaps the hardest thing it requires is letting go of the over-use of technology and social media –whether it be turned to for answers to questions, for social connection, for texting, or to share whatever –it not only interrupts any connection flow between parent and child (one little girl told me her mother was ‘always here but never here’), but also prevents us from connecting with our own intuition and so ultimately reduces our trust in ourselves, making us more and more reliant on answers from outside.

Simplification does not require parents to spend more time with children but rather to be fully present in the time when you are with them. For ‘professionals’, simplification requires us to step back, impose less and listen more. It requires that we turn towards the parents and rather than analysis and advice, give them tools to manage their stress better so they can access and draw on their own wisdom. It requires us all to take responsibility for being more fully present with all children, and with ourselves.

Whether you reading this are a parent, grandparent, child-caregiver, or child-care professional, my experience both as a mother and parent-mentor, has taught me that you very likely have an innate intuitive wisdom that can help you raise the children in your care with considerably less anxiety and stress about ‘doing it right’ than is currently the norm. I have witnessed countless parents become empowered and confident after gaining some simple practices for how to manage their parenting-stress, learn how to reconnect with their own parenting insights and act (rather than following fads and experts) according to their parenting values. Invariably it results in children that are happier and more balanced, and a family that functions in a far more harmonious way.

About the Author

Jennifer Day specialises in emotional intelligence coaching, parenting, stress management and leadership coaching. She is the author/co-author of 6 books translated into 10 languages, and has designed and facilitated seminars and trainings for organizations, schools, parents, teachers and the general public in the US, Hawaii, the UK and Europe. Jennifer has now combined the best of all her experience and knowledge for coaching parents how to communicate and understand their children and create a thriving environment for their development. For more information, check her details here: http://wp.me/p6AdrA-2b

Paediatrics: Focus on ADHD

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adhd-boy

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, or ADHD (also called ADD or Hyperactivity Syndrome), is a ‘condition’ that seems to be becoming more prevalent in Western society. Increasing numbers of parents are bringing their children for a Cranial Osteopathic opinion and I have a found a few common themes which are worth sharing.

Far from being purely a ‘sign of the times’, ADHD was first described clinically in 1798. The diagnosis is based on the individual being: ‘Impulsive, overactive and/ or inattentive to an extent that is unwarranted for their development and is a significant hindrance to their sociological and educational success’ (British Psychological Society 1996). However, there are other diagnostic criteria commonly used (e.g. WHO, American Paediatric Association) which differ in terms of age of onset, I.Q., impulsivity, etc. Then there are the subtypes (e.g. Hyperkinetic Syndrome). As a result, it is often not entirely clearcut whether or not ADHD is the appropriate diagnosis.

I have seen patients who have been given the ADHD label based on behavioural, psychological, ‘medical’ or sociological features but rarely on a combination of all these. To put this in context, estimations on numbers of people with ADHD in the USA, UK, NZ and Australia vary between 5% percent of the population to 16%, depending on which criteria are used!

Symptoms of ‘inattention’:
 Poor attention or makes frequent careless mistakes
 Difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or play
 Difficulty listening when spoken to
 Difficulty following instructions or completing work
 Difficulty organizing tasks and activities
 Avoids tasks that require sustained mental effort
 Loses things necessary for tasks or activities
 Easily distracted by extraneous stimuli
 Forgetful in daily activities

Symptoms of ‘hyperactivity’:
 Fidgets frequently
 Difficulty staying in seat
 Runs excessively (subjective restlessness in adolescents/adults)
 Difficulty playing quietly
 Acts as though “driven by a motor”
 Talks excessively
 Blurts out answers before questions completed
 Difficulty awaiting turn
 Interrupts /Intrudes on others

Symptoms of ‘impulsivity’:
 Reckless, unthinking, impetuous and disinhibited
 Impatient, interruptive, and fail to wait their turn

Regarding theories of cause, neurological studies have shown some interesting results by looking at the electrical activity in areas of the brain responsible for the basic drives and subconscious arousal. One example is the limbic system. In some individuals with ADHD these areas are UNDER-active, suggesting that the frontal lobes and neo-cortex (which are the highly developed conscious areas responsible for inhibiting behaviours) are not being stimulated enough. This is evidenced by reduced bloodflow to and physical size of the frontal lobes in many patients diagnosed with ADHD. As a result, there is a deficit in inhibitory and regulatory mechanisms. This is the rationale behind treatment with drugs such as Ritalin, a CNS stimulant.

Interestingly, it is also a proposed mechanism behind the action of Osteopathic treatment for ADHD which is also geared toward stimulating these regions via increased bloodflow, cerebro-spinal fluid movement, and improved nerve function.

Genetic studies have identified a gene (called Dopamine D4) which is more prevalent in many ADHD individuals. This gene has been associated with novelty seeking, impulsivity, exploratory behaviour and excessive excitability. Dopamine is one of many neurotransmitters which act to transmit signals across synapses in nerve/ brain tissue. Another, noradrenaline, normally acts in balance with Dopamine to regulate activity in an area of the brain known as the Locus Ceruleus. This area is responsible for maintaining concentration levels and the drug, Clonidine, acts on receptors here to modify ADHD behaviours.

From a functional perspective, many patients with ‘ADHD-tendencies’ have demonstrably low levels of specific amino acids, used to manufacture neurotransmitters. Hence a nutritional approach is often warranted. This also includes looking at levels of essential fatty acids (EFA’s), used by the body in neurological development and maintenance, as well as levels of food additives to which the individual may be intolerant. Both children (with ‘ADHD’) and adults (with concentration problems/ poor memory) often report significant improvement following treatment to address EFA/ amino-acid deficiencies and this improvement can also affect associated conditions such as OCD, anxiety and depression.

The concept of ‘behavioural modification’ is a controversial one but there is no doubt that many individuals, children and adults, are functioning suboptimally because of ADHD-type behaviour patterns that can respond very effectively to an integrated treatment approach.

Interesting stats:

  •  10% of children who watch an average of 2.2 hours TV/day at age 1yr, and/or  3.6 hrs/week at age 3yrs, have attentional problems at age 7yrs
  • A 1-SD increase in number of hrs of TV at age 1yr is associated with a 28% increase in probability of attention problems at age 7yrs

Author:

David Propert, Osteopath at Calmer Clinics (Offering Cranial/ Paediatric Osteopathy)

LESS CAN BE MORE

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lessmore

Current economic woes aside (enough already!) much of the stress experienced in families is actually self-inflicted – due to our overwhelming emphasis on achieving: achieving success at work; achieving success for our children; achieving ownership of all the stuff we want – stuff for the home, stuff for each other, stuff for the children; achieving status; achieving social skills; achieving advantages; achieving achievements!

Those of us who are parents spend huge amounts of time scheduling activities for our children so that they will achieve. Our goal is for them to excel, and own personal fears of under-performance and not being good enough fuel the energy, time and money we put into striving for the ‘perfect life’ for our children. Unfortunately, what we also achieve in this process is instilling a belief in our children that we don’t think they’re good enough.

PARENTING-CALMER-CLINICS

We live in a society where most of the emphasis is placed on having and doing, while little, if any, is placed on being. Sadly this results in children who feel inadequate, only accepted and loved for what they achieve, rather than for who they are. We seem to have forgotten the order in which true and sustained growth and fulfilment occurs; we must first be the unique individuals we are in order to successfully dowhat we have the most potential for, and what we do will lead naturally to what wehave. (In other words, being, doing and having happens in that order.)

There are some key areas where we tend to let achievement oriented parenting (doing and having) take over, resulting in oft-unnecessary stress for both ourselves and our children. In my many years of counselling parents and children, I have found that ask yourself the following questions can be helpful;

How are decisions about education and your children’s future reached?

  • Are you pushing a child to attend a specific school, educational method or direction even though it might not suit that particular child? Do you help your children (I.e. with homework) because you are afraid they might not do a good enough job?
  • Spend some time exploring your values as a parent; what is really important? Explore your motives for helping out and ‘rescuing’ your child. Remember that childhood is not a performance– it is a work in progress.
  • Spend time listening to your children, ask them their opinion about things, what they worry about, and what dreams they have. Really listen to their answers. Have no expectations; discover who your children really are. 
  • Try to eliminate the word ‘should’ from your vocabulary. Appreciate and enjoy your children as they are.

Why does your child participate in extra curricular activities, such as athletics?

  • Are your children playing sports because they love the games – or because they are focused on winning? Do your children have enough time daily to play unsupervised with friends and to spend time with family?
  • Explore your own motives for any tendency you might have to over-schedule your child’s life. What does being a winner or being socially successful mean to you?
  • Consider cutting back on extra-curricular activities and replace at least one with focused time spent with you and/or the whole family; play a board game, go swimming or running, spend time with no specific purpose. Spending time with children without any purpose other than to be together, demonstrates to them that you love them for who they are rather than what for they can achieve.

Shifting the focus generally from doing and having to being, can be a refreshing and de-stressing change for the whole family. Try some of these tips for simplifying your lives and experiencing more being, less doing and having:

  • Don’t answer the phone (and turn off your laptop, iPad, and the TV) when you’re spending focused time with your children.
  • Cut all extra-curricular activities to two days a week.
  • Limit computer games, TV and videos/DVDs to one hour a day, max!
  • Sit down to a family mean once a day if possible, or at the very least 3 days a week, with all technology switched off.
  • Teach your children to spend ‘quiet time’ every day. Show them the pleasure of watching the night sky or being in nature, even if it’s planting some potted herbs.
  • Restrict the purchase of toys and games to special occasions.
  • Have the whole family clean up and give away all you haven’t used for a year.
  • Become aware of trying to change others, and try not to – especially your children and your mate!

By: Jennifer Day

Jennifer Day is a consultant, coach and founder of Applied Emotional Mastery® She specialises in working with parents and leaders, and has written six books, several of which are available at Calmer Clinics, where she also has a practice.

She can be contacted at Jennifer@AppliedEmotionalMastery.com

Jennifer Day

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Jennifer Day specialises in emotional intelligence coaching, parenting, stress management and leadership coaching. She is the author/co-author of six books translated into ten languages, and has designed and facilitated seminars and trainings for organizations, businesses, schools, parents, teachers and the general public in the US, Hawaii, the Caribbean, the UK and Europe.

Specializing in person-centered counseling, she spent almost a decade studying alternative approaches to stress and emotional management, including Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP), Autogenic Training, Play Therapy, Alexander Technique, Point of Power, and HeartMath. She co-founded and directed VIA, a Stress Management consulting firm in the UK and co-designed and directed an emotional literacy program that was implemented in 12 public schools in the UK.

Jennifer has now combined the best of all her experience and knowledge to develop ‘in-the-moment-solutions’ for people to move on from their regrettable actions and dysfunctions, get to grips with their feelings, tap into their strengths and unleash their possibilities for being where they want to be, emotionally and professionally!

The resulting Applied Emotional Mastery® has been the subject of research studies and has been coached and taught to thousands of individuals, executives, physicians, students, teachers and parents in the US and the UK.

If you would like to experience this for yourself, you can contact Jennifer directly and book an appointment as she works on an ad-hoc basis.

TESTIMONIALS:

”My work with Jennifer has transformed my life. She has shown me how to remove the barriers I had put in place and given me the tools to develop myself in ways which I could not have imagined. The effect on both my emotional life and career have been remarkable!” A. Chatilla, London, UK 

“Empowering! Better than 20 years of therapy!”, Julie McCallister, Therapist, FL, USA –